February 9, 2019
Shits and Giggles - Crying's not working so let's try laughing
For Shits and Giggles
The original plan for this week was to continue my Dickensian journey and post the draft of the Tough chapter of the Project Marathon book. In the chapter, I try to describe how and why so many races in the world are trying to "out tough" each other. It can be hard to keep up in the 'tough race' category because it's a category that seemingly every country wants to join.
For example, National Geographic recently ran a story about an Ultra Marathon in Oman. It's a new race (the Inaugural was in November 2018) and it's an 87 mile jaunt across the desert and mountains in Oman. According to the Nat Geo piece, more than half of the 415 runners got a DNF. That sounds like a pretty tough race.
Of course, there are many other similar races around the world and more will show up. Seems like this attempt to out tough the competition never ceases. Whatever.
Anyway, now and then we learn about something, or someone in this case, that's really tough. This past week a Colorado runner gave us all a new definition of tough while on a training run in the mountains near Fort Collins. He got attacked by a mountain lion. The lion bit him on the face and hands. The guy, his name has not yet been released, managed to grab a rock and smash the lion in the head. Then, he was able to get on top of the lion and with his hands, arms, and legs choke it to death.
Damn! When Colorado wildlife officials went to investigate the site, they found the lion had been partially eaten and probably by other mountain lions. Double Damn! And Eeewwwhhhh!
I'm sure most GYAS readers already know this story. I'm also pretty sure most of you have read or watched a news story about it all. My favorite take comes from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert when he asked, "How can a guy with such large testicles possibly run?"
Okay, runners and race directors, let's all take a break and a chill pill on the tough race / tough guy pissing match. There's always going to be something or someone who shows up to out toughall of us. Instead, let's take a page from Colbert and have a laugh about it all and about ourselves.
With that in mind and instead of a draft chapter, I've posted below some spoof news excerpts that I'm thinking of including in the Project Marathon book. So here's a go with something I'm titling 'And then there's this....' If nothing else, this will hopefully help all of us not take ourselves too seriously.
Stay Happy, Healthy, and Always Keep Running Forward and do your best to laugh the entire time.
And then there's this .............
Madison Marathon Runner Turns The Corner on Personal Issues Only to Find More Issues
Ennis, Montana - A Montana man who recently completed the Madison Marathon with the goal of turning the corner on some personal issues found out that there were several more issues he had not yet encountered. He did not know about these issues because they were around the corner and entirely out of his view.
The runner, who requested anonymity because he felt "like one of those whiney idiots on TV," said he was successful in turning the corner on what were admittedly small issues. However, he gained a new appreciation for letting the little things slide and to just deal with what you got after he saw what was around his corner.
"Yeah, I got a shitty job and a psycho girlfriend, but things aren't that bad," he said noting that some of his friends are unemployed and many have even crazier girlfriends.
He confessed that his previous girlfriend was "an even bigger whack job" than his current one, but he had bought into the 'Turn The Corner' theme of the Greater YellowstoneAdventure Series. He wanted to confront his issues rather than live in denial. But, he said, the issues around the corner were much more complicated than he had expected and, at least for now, are probably better left untouched.
The man was a bit angry because he's hooked on marathon running but he is now afraid to run any marathon that has a corner "thanks to that shithead Sam in Ennis." He keeps researching for marathon routes that are completely straight lines without any corners, turns, or hills, but hasn't found one yet.
This reporter reached out to Sam "The Shithead" Korsmoe for his remarks. Korsmoe said he felt bad that turning the corner led to more issues which sometimes led to a need for more corner turning. He conceded that such a cycle can get really f**ked up so he offered to pay the race entry fee for the Montana runner once he found a marathon route that was a straight line.
Korsmoe also did not rule out the launch of a new GYAS marathon that was perfectly straight so the athletes could see (with binoculars) the finish line from the starting line and therefore could see ahead of time any issues they would come across during the race.
Berlin Marathon RD to Erect a Wall on Route
Berlin, Germany - The race director for the Berlin Marathon, Waldemar Cierpinski, intends to build a wall on the route of the Berlin Marathon in order to make it tougher to record PRs and set world records.
Industry sources says Cierpinski has been increasingly annoyed by the notion, common gossip among elite marathoners, that Berlin is "the easiest route" of the world's major marathons. The gossip has picked up since Nike's Breaking2 project in 2017 came so close to reaching its goal of a sub-two hour marathon. Runners worldwide now claim that two hours can be broken and the best course for such a record breaking run would be at Berlin.
Cierpinski intends to build the wall at about Mile 20 figuring that most marathoners will be too tired at that stage to care. They would then just drop out of the race altogether and he could assign them a DNF. Thus, this would be his first step to building his long-sought after reputation of being the RD of 'the world's toughest marathon.'
"Auf keinen fall," He shouted at reporters at a press conference in Berlin.
"Just because we have a flat course with fewer turns doesn't mean our marathon is easier than the others. Like they want me to say, 'Oh, come on in, break two hours here.' No way," said Cierpinski who has been besieged with phone calls and emails from journalists around the world who assumed he would be honored to be the RD to host the world's first sub-two marathon.
Not even close. Despite enormous criticism, negative press, and social media campaigns calling for his resignation, Cierpinksi is unmoved stating with a determined glare, "I'm building a wall at mile 20 and I'm gonna make the Kenyans pay for the damn thing."
Pope Francis Annoyed at Growing Number of Marathons Scheduled for Sunday
The Vatican - In a surprising press conference, Pope Francis expressed dismay at the growing number of marathons and other races around the world that were scheduled on Sunday. The Holy See's press conference was hastily put together prior to a 5K Fun Run in Rome that was scheduled before Mass and celebrated human diversity and fair treatment to all regardless of marital status or sexual orientation.
"Look. I firmly believe that a healthy body is linked to a healthy mind and spirit," said the Pontiff.
"The marathon, because of its long distance and immense challenges, is good for the soul. But come on, there are seven days in the week for a reason," he added.
He went on to say that he totally gets it about running. He shared that when he was a newly ordained priest in his native Argentina that he probably ran a 10K every Sunday because he had to say Mass in a bunch of different parishes. He frequently ended up running in order to get to each church on time.
Pope Francis is a well-known fan of football, which is called soccer in just one country in the world, and has always expressed admiration and respect for all athletes. He stressed that he loves and supports the growing trend of marathon running but only wishes that a different day of the week could be chosen or perhaps even created.
At press time, industry sources claim that a Vatican discussion about creating a new day of the week had begun.
"I mean, shit, it's nothing new," said a Vatican staffer who immediately demanded anonymity after he mistakenly used the English word for merda while talking to a reporter. "The Church used to create months, days of the week, and holidays all the time. Why not do so again?"
Trump Offers Amnesty to Illegal Immigrants Who Can Run a 2:20 Marathon
Tucson, Arizona - The Trump Administration announced this week that any illegal immigrant that can run a sub 2:20 marathon would automatically receive amnesty. This policy would apply regardless of nationality, ethnicity, gender, and, to the dismay of the President's base, religious belief. If the same illegal achieves a top 10 finish in one of the Majors, he or she will receive an automatic Green Card. A sub 2:10 will earn the runner a US Passport.
"Now that America is great again, we're going to have even more people try to get in," said President Trump from his Florida resort as he was watching some runners run along the beach.
"It's about time we started winning some golds in the marathon. What's been happening is pathetic. Total loserville," said the 45th President of the United States as he made an 'L' shape with his hand and held it against his forehead.
Trump went on to say that it was in the best traditions of America to give foreigners, especially the fast ones, the opportunities they couldn't pursue in their home country even if they are Muslims or come from shithole countries.
In a related story, Trump staffers, requesting anonymity since they are not allowed to speak - ever - , disclosed overhearing senior level discussions about allowing "a bunch of Mexicans and South Americans who know how to play soccer" to sneak into the USA via the Mexico border. POTUS was reportedly very, very angry when he learned that America had never won the World Cup after it was explained to him that the America's Cup was for an entirely different sporting event.
Obama Says Marathon Distance a Crock
Washington D.C. - Former President Barack Obama says the marathon distance of 26.2 miles has no connection to facts, history, or relevance to the modern age of sports. The 44th President of the United States apparently lost a bet with his family and was forced to put 'Run A Marathon' on his post-presidency to do list. It was 5th on the list, two down from wind surfing with Richard Branson.
Since January 21, 2017, Obama along with eldest daughter Melia and occasionally former First Lady Michelle has been cranking out nearly six miles per week to get ready for his first marathon. The Secret Service has joined the effort by assigning the pudgiest agents in the Service to protect the President during his training runs. They are hoping that this will help these agents at their next mandatory weigh-ins.
"Look. This 26.2 miles nonsense makes no sense. What's up with the point two? I play ball. I can run the court all day long. This marathon stuff is a crock," said Obama while gulping down a bottle of Gatorade and helping to hold up Agent Moses, the fattest guy on his detail, who was bent over and about to puke.
Melia and First Lady Michelle excused themselves to do an extra five laps while the President and Agent Moses recovered. Former First Dog Bo tried to follow the women, but got jerked back by the President who was still holding his leash.
The John Colter Club
The John Colter Club is a members-only club for athletes who are or have been:
An inaugural athlete in one of the six GYAS races.
Earned a podium finish (top three) in the overall men and women's category of any GYAS race.
Are a three-time returnee to a GYAS race.
We want to recognize those who went first, those who finished well, and those who just keep coming back. For a membership fee of $30 per year and immense bragging rights for getting in, members receive the following:
A personalized water bottle with the GYAS logo, your name, and the club's name.
Early access. Members get to sign up for the GYAS races before the March 1 opening.
A discount of 15 percent off the entry fee of the race you sign up for.
Do the math and you can figure out that your $30 comes back to you pretty quick. If you qualify and if you want to join an exclusive club of athletes named after Montana's most famous total bad ass, send me an email. Tell me how you qualify. I'll confirm it all and send you the application.